3 + 2 = 5

I am a mom of three boys. As much as I always wanted more than one child, I never saw this actually happening. We were content with one child. We were always so proud to be Devyn's parents and didn't see any reason this needed to change. It was the three of us and we were a family. Why mess with that? Part of this decision was fear. Fear of the next child having Spina Bifida also. Fear that it could be so much worse. Fear of how I would split my time between Devyn and another child. What if the new baby needed to be in the hospital for almost a month? What if Devyn needed surgery and I had a baby to care for? How could I possibly love another child as much as I loved Devyn?

Then it happened. After 9 years as an only child, Devyn became a big brother. He's never really told us how he feels about this. I'm sure he was worried. He thinks about things. I mean really thinks. He goes there. He likes to think of all the outcomes and really investigate what can happen, or what the possibilities could be. But he never expressed any opinions. When asked about becoming a big brother, Devyn smiled and said "It's cool". So, when our little Brayden James was born, Devyn became a big brother. It was a very special day. We became a family of four. God answered our prayers and gave us a healthy boy. He was a fussy little thing, but so cute that we didn't mind.

Then it happened again. Fourteen months later. 14. Months. Later. Jackson Oliver was born. I was terrified. I was just getting used to having two kids. I didn't know how I was going to handle a toddler and a newborn at the same time. Was I ever going to sleep again? The emotions were overwhelming. To be honest, much of that time is a blur. I remember moments, good and bad, but not every detail of those early days. Poor Devyn. He had such a peaceful existence before the brothers came along.

We were now a family of five. One mommy, one daddy, and three little boys. Big brother, little brother and baby brother. God is so good. He gives us incredible gifts that we never even knew we could ask for.  

Ephesians 3:20  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

And here we are, Devyn is 14 years old, Brady is 5 years old, and Jax is 4 years old. We are blessed, but we are busy. There is never a dull moment. We are hardly ever quiet. Someone is always picking on someone and someone is always being pushed, pulled, kicked or tackled. I love it. I will take a rowdy house of boys over a calm, neat and orderly house any day. I fit in with these crazy boys and I am thankful to be their mama. They make me special. 

I always wonder about the plans God has for us. How do we prepare for those plans? How long are we supposed to wait for God to put those plans into action? Are we supposed to sit back patiently and wait for them to happen? Or are we supposed to be proactive, full steam ahead confident in what the Lord wants for us? And how do we know what God intends for our lives? How do we know that "this" is it?

I'm still working on the answers to so many of these questions. I do know that we are never fully prepared for life. Even if it is the life God intends for us. We never have all of the answers. We have to learn to lean on him. We have to be bold and confident that his plan is better than we can ever imagine. I have learned that knowing what God's plan actually is, is really not that important. I've decided to give him my all. Whatever he wants for my life is his. 

Once this decision was made, everything else just fell into place. So many of the little struggles just disappeared. So many of those times that I didn't know what was the right choice are gone. I don't find myself in those situations any longer. Because if it's not going to glorify his name, then I don't want it in my life. My choices and the things I want out of life have changed. This doesn't mean that life isn't hard. Life is still hard. Struggles still happen. This doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. I mess up all the time! It does mean that when life gets hard, I have him to depend on. It doesn't matter if I can't handle it. It doesn't matter if it's too hard. Nothing is too hard for a God that loves me and has great plans for me. There is nothing that he can't handle, and I am so thankful to give it all to him. 

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 

I leave you with a picture of my beautiful family. I am so thankful that God had a better plan for my life.

The First 31 Hours

I'm just going to pick up where I left off last week. If you missed it, you are welcome to go here and read the beginning of our story. Also, I apologize now for how long this is. It's a bit much. So sit back and get comfy. You're going to be here a while. :)

As the nurse rolled away with our newborn son, I asked Jason to follow them out of the room. It was so hard to watch them leave. I hated that I couldn't get up and go with them. Skipping all the details of childbirth and the afterwards, lets just say there was a lot going on down there. I was completely oblivious to all of it. My mom rushed off to let my family know what was happening. As the nurse and the OB finished up taking care of me, they left the room too. Me...I sat in a hospital bed...with numb legs...my body shaking uncontrollably...alone...waiting...Our pediatrician came soon to explain to me that our son had a birth defect of the spinal cord and severe clubbed feet. Devyn needed to be transferred to another hospital. He needed to be in a NICU where they had the resources to care for him. Devyn would need surgery right away. There was not a lot of detail other than the words myelomeningocele, Spina Bifida and clubbed feet. She said that a neurosurgeon had been called and that he would speak to us soon.

By the time I was finally in the postpartum, or recovery room, our baby was on the way to another hospital. We could not send anyone with him in the neonatal transport and it broke my heart to think of him all alone. Jason and I were told to get some sleep and that my OB would be in to see me first thing in the morning. This was about 3:30am. I don't know when my family left. I think they waited until we were settled, but I was in a fog. I remember people hugging me and talking to me, but can't tell you who it was. My mom is the only face that I really focused on. She has always been such a comfort. She just knows the right thing to say at the right time and when to not say anything at all. Eventually, my parents and the rest of our family went home to get some rest too. They all repeated the nurses statement of telling us to get some sleep.

Sleep was impossible. Jason was laying on a cot right next to my bed. He was able to close his eyes a little bit, but I remember that every now and then he would reach over to hold my hand or rub my arm. There were no words. Neither of us had any idea what to say to each other. I think we were in such shock that we were not feeling any emotions yet. Almost like we were waiting to know what to feel. We still didn't really know what was happening or what to expect. We didn't know what Spina Bifida was. What was myelomeningocele? Was that the same thing or something completely different? We didn't know what to expect or what kind of life our son would have. At one point, we didn't even know if he was going to live. Was his condition life threatening? There were so many questions, but we were also afraid to hear the answers.

My doctor came into the room about 7:30am. I asked to be released as soon as possible. I just wanted to get out of there. I could not sit there while my baby boy was across town. I desperately needed to see him. So, eleven hours after giving birth to our son, we were driving to the other hospital to see him. We couldn't stand the thought of him alone and we were terrified that they would try to send him to surgery without us seeing him. This would never happen, of course, but we just didn't know. We also didn't know that there was someone else in our family that couldn't stand the idea of Devyn being all alone.

My Grandmother. The story is that my Grandmother was knocking on the NICU door at 6:30am. Literally knocking. She had no time for that silly phone on the wall. She had no time for the locked doors or for the nurses insisting that only Devyn's parents could bring people back to see him. She was getting in to see her first great grandchild and no one was going to stop her. My Grandmother is amazing! She talked her way in the doors and made sure that she was able to see our boy. She was also the first person to meet and talk to his neurosurgeon. Let's just say she was not impressed. Apparently, she had to put him in his place. She explained that our boy was a little fighter and that there were too many people praying for him to ever have a doctor doubting what would be possible in his life. Again I say, my Grandmother is amazing.

Jason and I finally made it to the other hospital. We spent the next several hours sitting by Devyn's bedside. He was curled up in a little ball on his belly. All wrapped up in gauze and plastic wrap to prevent infection. I'm sure it wasn't really plastic wrap, but that's exactly what it looked like. He was so tiny. You don't realize how little 4 lbs really is until you see your 4 lb baby on a table under heat lamps. Tiny little thing all curled up on his belly. He was given a pacifier and not allowed to eat since he would be going into surgery soon. We were told that he would be having surgery as soon as possible and that we were just waiting on the neurosurgeon to come back. And so we waited. All day. Just sitting beside our baby, holding hands and not really talking. Finally, our nurse said that the neurosurgeon was here to speak with us. We were told that he would meet us in the waiting room. We walked into that room and there was our entire family. They had been there in the waiting room all day. Waiting and praying.

 The Neurosurgeon stood in front of all of us and explained what Spina Bifida was and what we had to expect in the future. The most urgent concern was getting Devyn's back closed as soon as possible. The longer we waited the more he was at risk for infection. The cyst on Devyn's back was about 3.5cm and there were concerns of whether their would be enough skin to close it up. If not they would have to do a skin graft, but we were hopeful that would not be needed. We would be watching to see if hydrocephalus developed after his back was closed up. If this happens, then he would need a Ventricular-Peritoneal Shunt. The surgeon was very certain that this would happen. We would then be keeping an eye on Devyn for infection, watching for his back to heal, and eventually for him to gain weight. He told us that these were Devyn's immediate concerns and that the issues with his feet would wait until Devyn was out of the NICU. It would be a while before Devyn would be coming home. They wouldn't guess, but said we were looking at anywhere from 2 weeks to several months.

The future outlook that the surgeon gave us for Devyn was very bleak. It was heartbreaking to have this man tell us that our son would most likely never walk. Even if he did ever learn to walk, he would need assistance from crutches and leg braces. Devyn would have issues with his bowel and bladder his entire life. He would never be able to go to the bathroom on his own. Our son would possibly be mentally slow and have multiple learning disabilities. He would need to have multiple surgeries on his feet and we could expect him to be needing a series casts on his them before the surgeries. We were told to expect a lot of issues with the vp shunt and that there could be many surgeries placing new shunts and replacing the tubing. Basically, this surgeon took every opportunity that he could to let us know that our son would never have a normal life. At this point, I understood why my Grandmother was not impressed. I understood that it was his job to give us all of the information. I understood that he wanted us to know every possibility. But I think he needed to understand something...we had hope. We would never expect the worse. My family would pray and be optimistic. We would always believe in the chance for something better.

Devyn had his first surgery on his back the next morning. He was 31 hours old. The neurosurgeon took about 4 hours to remove the cyst and piece the remaining skin together. We were terrified. There are no words to express the anxiety a parent feels when their child is in surgery. It's horrible and you never get used to it. Never. But Devyn came through great. They were able to bring all of the skin together into a "plus sign" shape. He would need to stay on his belly for a while. The skin was very thin and there was fear of it opening back up. Step one was complete and we felt like we could breath a little. We could not wait for Devyn to come out of anesthesia and finally get to eat for the first time. Baby's first bottle was finally happening at almost 2 days old.

The month of October is Spina Bifida Awareness month. I am going to take the next few weeks to share a little bit of our story. Or more specifically Devyn's story. He is 14 years old now, and has just started high school. Even though there is still so much to come in his life, we celebrate how much he has already accomplished. I hope you are encouraged and inspired by our boys journey. 

"There's a cord defect"

For some reason, when I heard those words from the Doctor, I thought they were talking about the umbilical cord. I thought, "So what, you are just cutting it off anyway." I had no idea that those words would change our entire life. I couldn't see that there was something wrong with our baby boys feet. I couldn't see that there was a large spot on our sons back that just did not look right. I couldn't see what Jason, my mom, the doctors and the nurses could see.  

We were pretty young when Devyn was born. I was 20 and Jason was 22. Not ready to be parents, but prepared to love our little babe with our whole hearts. We spent 8 months convincing ourselves that this was really happening and that we could handle it. On our first weekly visit we were told that my blood pressure was way too high and that we were having a baby. Today. 3 1/2 weeks early. Oh my. After 12 hours of induced labor our little guy was born on August 17th at 12:36am. Our very little guy. Devyn Jacob was 4lbs 1oz and 18 inches long.


The nurses cleaned him up as quickly as possible and started taking  him out of the room. My mom stopped them and ask if I could see him first. That's right. I had not seen or held my brand new baby boy yet. (What would we do without our Mama's! Seriously, she is amazing) They brought him back to me for a minute and said that holding him was not possible right now. I looked over and saw the biggest dark eyes I have ever seen on a newborn. Lashes for days! He stared right into my eyes. Like he knew exactly who I was. I've still never seen such a wide eyed newborn. A head full of dark black hair and the sweetest little nose. He was simply beautiful.

A little pertinent information:
{Dev was born with a birth defect called Spina Bifida, or more specifically Myelomeningocele. The Spina Bifida caused him to have severe clubbed feet and to also develop Hydrocephalus before he was a week old. (literally meaning water on the brain). Spina Bifida is a birth defect of the spinal cord. It actually happens about the first 18 days of gestation. Basically, before you even know you are pregnant the spinal cord and all of the nerves have already formed. A very brief description would be that the spinal cord was not completely developed when Dev was growing in utero and he had an opening in his lower back, just above his adorable little bum. A sack called a cyst had formed over the opening. I'll leave it to you to google for a picture of this. Lets just say it was terrifying to see something like this on your newborn baby. This means that not only is surgery needed to close his back, but that there is nerve damage that will affect Dev for the rest of his life.}

The month of October is Spina Bifida Awareness month. I am going to take the next few weeks to share a little bit of our story. Or more specifically Devyn's story. He is 14 years old now, and has just started high school. Even though there is still so much to come in his life, we celebrate how much he has already accomplished. I hope you are encouraged and inspired by our boys journey. 

The Blind Date

I had dinner last night with my wonderful friend for life, Kate. We're actually cousins and (happily) stuck with each other. As close as sisters. We bickered and loved each other all through growing up. Now that we are mom's, our friendship has become one of the best things in my life. It had been so long since we had some uninterrupted time together. We couldn't wait to eat some delicious food and chat the night away. Of course, you get two girls together away from the kids & husbands and all they talk about is the kids & husbands. And enjoy every minute of it. It's so good to be a girl! Talking about the men in our life had me reminiscing that Jason and I are coming up on our 14th anniversary. Wow. 14 years. I still remembering our first phone call. The first time I ever heard his voice. The first time I heard his deep voice and wondered what he looked like.

You see, Jason and I were a blind date. I was 18 and he had just turned 20. The summer after I graduated from high school I worked at a pizza place on the Army base where my dad was stationed in Fort Riley, Kansas. I just happen to work the evenings with this crazy guy named Attila. My friend Attila was a Hungarian in the US Army. We became good friends and he quickly started telling me about his buddy that needed to meet a nice girl. His good friend that happened to be in the Army also. My immediate response was nuh uh, no way, not gonna happen. My dad always had one rule; No dating Joes. He had always made it clear that I was to stay away from the young, single soldiers. I had done a good job of sticking to this rule. But the next thing I knew, I was getting a phone call from Attila's friend Jason. What a phone call! Did I mention that he called in the middle of the night? Yep. First time calling me and he calls in the middle of the night. I think we talked for a few hours. He told me a little of his story. Where he was from, how long he had been in Fort Riley, what kind of  music he liked...It was such a unique experience to learn all about someone before I had ever even met him.

 After two weeks of talking on the phone, we finally set a date. Our first date. A blind date. You need to keep in mind that this was 16 years ago. Long before the days of Facebook stalking and text messages. I didn't even have a cell phone. So...here we go...sight unseen. Jason and I were going to meet for the first time. So much anticipation. I could hardly think of anything else. I couldn't wait for that night and the time he was coming to pick me up. And I kept waiting...the man was late. Let me say that again...HE WAS LATE! Not a little late. Almost an hour late. Late, late, late. I couldn't believe it. No phone call. Nothing. I had no idea if he had forgotten or if he just decided to not show. I didn't even care at that point. All I knew was that I was never talking to him again. How dare he?! Oh friends, but then that door bell rang. There he was with a baseball cap and a smile. Not a big smile, but this soft little smile that said "I'm sorry, but I'm here now." I just couldn't help myself. I was sure he was the cutest boy I had ever met.

I don't remember what we talked about or where we went. I know it was a party. There were other people at the party, but I couldn't tell you who. He spent the night teasing me. I took every opportunity to harass him for being late. We laughed, we talked, he kept smiling at me and I was in love by the end of the night. I'm a handful, people. I'm bossy, opinionated and take myself a little too seriously. Jason was the first boy I had ever met that could see through all of that and make me laugh at myself. Jason was this quiet guy with a deep voice. He was such a contradiction. Soft spoken, gentle, careful to not judge others and just very kind. But at the same time he was constantly picking and teasing those around him. He had these big hands and strong arms. I barely reached his chin and he could be quite intimidating if he wanted to be. Did I mention his smile? Yeah. It still makes me melt.

That was almost exactly 16 years ago. Here we are three kids later. Three beautiful boys later. There have been tough times. There have been times that I didn't think we would make it. Lots of arguments and times of not enough money. Our first boy was born with Spina Bifida and these two young parents had no idea if we could handle that. Then as older and wiser parents we had two more boys only 14 months apart. Holy busy days, Batman! Who knew you could be so exhausted and mentally drained? We haven't always made the right choices or said the right things to each other. Mistakes. There have been mistakes made by both of us. Oh, but the good times! The sweet beautiful nights of wrestling with our boys. Watching our babies learn to walk and talk. Learning that our boy that was born with so many challenges could overcome them. The quiet nights at home together and the loud boisterous family gatherings. We have built a family together. Through all the good times and the bad times, we have learned how to love each other even more. He still wears a baseball cap. He still smiles when he see's me. And yes, he is still late most of the time. We're working on it.

Much Love,
B

Here I go again.

Let's get this party started. I started working on this blog a while ago, and then chickened out. I think I got a little overwhelmed at the idea of putting myself out there. I feel like I have a lot to say. I know I can pretty much talk for hours and not run out of commentary. I come by this talent naturally. My dad is a talker and his mother, my Grandmother, is the same. I have now passed this on to my oldest son. It's exhausting for those around us. It's one of those annoying characteristics that you just pray people find endearing. It's like that train wreck that you can't stop and just have to watch happen. I can feel the words coming out of my mouth, but there are times that I just can't stop them. So...I know I have a lot to say, but I worry that no one is interested in listening.

A brief introduction on me and my family. I am Briana and I have been married to my husband Jason for 13 years. I always feel the need to tag on that we have actually been together for 15 years. (like I need the extra credit that those two years offer) We have three beautiful boys. Our oldest Devyn is 13, Brayden is 4, and the baby Jackson is 3. Is anyone noticing the age difference?! Yes, our oldest child is 9 years older than his next brother and then the little brothers are only 14 months apart. Lets just say the last 4 years have been interesting. Devyn is my sweet beautiful boy with an old soul. He is too smart for me and the kindest person I have ever known. He likes jokes, comedians and picking on his mama. Devyn was born with Spina Bifida and much of our life has been about his care and learning what his life will be like. (there will be more on this soon) Brayden is our drama child, that likes to create stories and act them out. He was such a challenge as a baby, but has become a complete joy in our family. His view of the world is so unique. Jackson is a superhero. He is obsessed with all things superhero and we are positive that he will never outgrow this. When he has nothing left to say, he will still utter the word Spider-man. As if that says it all.

My husband is in the process of starting over in a new career. He has been going to school, and still has about 2 years to go. I am excited, thrilled, proud and very jealous of him. I mean, who doesn't want the chance to start over?! Jas was a Form Carpenter for almost 13 years, and is now going to school for Physical Therapy. He loved his job. He loved hanging off of 20 story buildings and hammering things, and using powerful tools, and directing tower cranes, and driving fork lifts, and....all of it. He loved his job, but the economy had other ideas. When the country started to struggle our livelihood was directly affected. We may not have been the people buying a condo on the beach, but we were the ones that were living a good life because that condo had to be built. So, Jason had to take a good look at what he wanted to be when he grew up. He had to find a new dream.

I am patiently waiting my chance to start my dream. Sigh. I am good at my job, but it is not my dream job. It's putting food on the table and close on my babies. I am thankful that this opportunity was given to me, but definitely looking forward to the day I can start something new. I am a Suzie Homemaker-wannabe. I love to cook, love to bake, and wish that I had a talent for craftiness. My story is that I come up with the ideas and then enlist my Mom to help make them happen.

Jesus Christ is the center of my world. I have learned that even when I didn't know Him, He loved me and provided for me. The last 13 years have been a testament to what Jesus is willing to do for His children. I would not be who I am...I would not be married...I would not have 3 amazing boys...My husband would not be alive...if I didn't have a constant, loving relationship with my Savior. I hope to show you through my life and my story that He is everything. I hope to encourage you. I pray that you will see Christ through me.

I have more to tell, but this has gone long enough. I leave you with a picture of my babies and a request that you take this journey through life with me. I look forward to sharing my story and hope to learn a little more along the way.

Much Love,
Bri

The Dwelling Place By John Foley, SJ

I fall on my knees to the Father of Jesus

The Lord who has known us, the glory of God.

May He in His love give us strength for our living

The strength of His Spirit, the glory of God.

May Christ find a dwelling place of faith in our hearts

May our lives be rooted in love, rooted in love.

May grace and peace be yours in God our Father

And in His son.

May Christ find a dwelling place of faith in our hearts

May our lives be rooted in love, rooted in love.